The Pain of Being Labeled as "Baog"

I was once again pulled to writing in my blog because I have so much sentiments and pain inside me that needs to be blurt out... But as being an OFW, my support system is limited so here I am pouring my heart out in my own little virtual world...

I was in pain emotionally yesterday as I was labeled once again as "baog" (hopeless case of being infertile) by the people who I thought would be supporting me in this journey.

Before undergoing fertility treatment, my mother-in-law always tell me that I was the one having fertility problems that is why I am not able to bear a child. I myself was swayed to believe it and blamed my body for not doing what it's supposed to do. I know that there is something wrong with me -- irregular AF, weight issues, and stress problems.

So this was the reason why I decided to seek medical help because I was always blamed for the infertility.During the fertility treatment, my doctor confirmed that indeed I have some issues that need to be addressed first before being pregnant -- but she assured me that I am not really barren, that I can get pregnant even naturally. But one of the main reasons preventing me from getting pregnant naturally is my husband's share of fertility issues. As I have mentioned in my previous posts, both hubby and I have fertility issues. Having abnormal morphology, it makes it difficult for my hubby's sperm to penetrate my egg cell, hence lessening my chance of conceiving naturally.

I tried to explain this to my in-law and my hubby's siblings, but they still believed that I am the only one who has problem even 2 semen analysis already showed that my husband has low morphology. We were told that we are just wasting our money going to doctors and we were just being fooled by the results.

Yesterday, we received a message from my in-law saying that our househelper was also spreading news that I am not capable of getting pregnant at all and that the baby will just die in my womb because of the medications I am taking.  And this just supported my in-law's beliefs that I am the barren one. Then once again, she told us not to believe in doctors and that her son will never be barren.

This is what is wrong in our patriarchal society. If a couple cannot bear a child, the woman should be blamed because she is not doing her part. If the male is found out to have fertility issue, it is a taboo to talk about it, that it should not be brought to discussion as this will lessen his masculinity. That it is never a man's fault why a baby cannot grow in the woman's body. It is in the woman's body that a child is born hence it should be the woman to be blamed for not conceiving.

I do not have any ill feelings to my husband and I even admired him for being brave to admit that he too has a problem. He is even making efforts to 'fix' his fertility issues and even encouraging me that we seek medical assistance.

It is only the people surrounding us that has this discriminating eyes, judging without understanding what we are going through. They do not have the right to label us of any sorts of names.

You cannot blame me for nursing this hatred in my heart...I am just a human and those sharp words cut deep into my soul.

This journey itself is already hard for all of us who are trying to have a child. All we need is the support from our loved ones in whatever decisions we make. We should not be boxed into negative labels.

I refuse to believe that I am "baog". No one has the right to call me that...

I leave everything to God. I pray that this pain and hatred be lifted up and that He continue to make my relationship with my husband stronger because in the end, it is up to both of us which path we will take in this TTC journey.

I just hold on tight to my faith in Him that one day He will bless us with the child we have been waiting for. I will not let myself be discouraged.

Three Months Off the Meds

Since last month, hubby and I decided to stop for a while on our medications. We'll be off our meds for 3 months, just enough for our bodies to cope with the side effects and reach its stability. Also, it is not good to be in constant medication as our bodies have its limits. We don't want to immune ourselves to these fertility meds so we are giving time away from them.

Who knows, once we're off these meds our bodies can work on their own and do their part to make us pregnant. :D

We'll just leave everything to God in His perfect timing.

Blood, Colds, and Mother's Day

As almost all people were celebrating Mother's Day, I was like a grinch hating this day.....

Don't get me wrong... I always love celebrating Mother's Day and was enthusiastic sending greetings to all my relatives, friends and colleagues. But that was before I embarked on this journey of the TTC world.

I had a terrible cold a day before Mother's Day and it got aggravated because I was having night shift. And what terrible could have happen but to have my AF on the dawn of the day which I was hoping to celebrate for myself this year -- I wanted to become a mother on Mother's Day but AF is a witch snatching that hope and leaving my heart battered and bruised once again...

I was already 6 days delayed on the eve of Mother's Day. And there was this litte voice in me shouting that I might be celebrating Mother's Day indeed the next day! I planned to do HPT when I got home and I was already picturing the 2 lines and the oh-so-emotional celebration of Mother's Day with hubby... By the way, this cycle was longer than the previous one which I do not know whether the acupuncture sessions or Clomid was the reason.

And really, it was emotional! AF just arrived in time! AF is really a party pooper! Again, another cycle to wait and of course another heartbreak to face.

And it was like a punishment when I opened facebook. Everyone I knew were happily celebrating Mother's Day. The women of my age and younger than me were posting pictures of their children and babies celebrating the day. Quotes on motherhood and the joys of having a child are everywhere.... The pain was sinking in again. It was like I was stabbed already but they still twinged the knife so many times so I could really feel the pain.

Hubby told me to stop checking FB and just rest because my body was already weak because of the AF and flu-like symptoms. He also assured me that we will have our babies soon so I don't need to worry.

I am happy for those who experienced already motherhood. Even if I don't want to see their photos in facebook, I don't despise them. I just can't bear to see the happiness they are having which I don't have. It makes me feel sadder...more incomplete.

Mother's Day was indeed an emotional day for me. How I wish the next time it will come, I would be able to celebrate it this time. Still keeping the faith and hope.

More and More Needles

I had my 2nd and "3rd"sessions of acupuncture last May 1 (3 days after my first session) but I was too tired to write about it. I don't know if it was the effect of acupuncture but after that day, I wanted to sleep rather than do anything for the next days. Then aside from that, I was having bad colds, which might also be an effect of acupuncture (I once read in the internet that after acupuncture, some people tend to have colds as a reaction to the re-invigoration of the immunity system. As i quote "Once acupuncture treatment enhanced the immunity, as if the army is armed ready to fight the invader again, cold and flu symptoms reappear.")

In just one day, the chinese acupuncturist gave me "two" sessions. I cannot understand him clearly because of the language barrier but he was telling me something about "hot" and "cold" treatment. Of course, the payment was twice because they charged me for 2 sessions already. I noticed that there were more needles inserted compared to my 1st session. And the treatment lasted for 1 hour -- 30 minutes lying only with needles and another 30 minuted where electricity was applied thru the needles.

The needles were inserted from head to toe. He inserted needles also on my face, stomach and neck which he did not do in my first session. The 2nd session was definitely more painful than the first. My body was twinging with every stroke of the needles. The most painful area when he inserted the needle was in my inner side of my right foot. I felt very heavy on that part as well as in my right abdomen. I cannot breathe deeply because there was a shooting pain in my right side of abdomen whenever I was taking a deep breath to relax. My mind was wandering and my imagination playing thinking that I might be full of blood already in my legs and abdomen because I felt that my veins were bursting!

I told my acupuncturist I was having pain in my abdomen and he signal a thumbs up and saying it is ok, that the acupuncture was working. That was the time that my body relaxed a bit knowing that there was nothing wrong.

When the electricity was applied, my right leg became numb. I can't even feel the electricity running. I just knew that there was electricity because my right toe was moving every second the electricity flows to my leg.

I felt relaxed when electro-acupuncture was done minus the time that there were still shooting pains in my right abdomen. I thought that time was not moving. I wanted it to finish already because my body became heavy and I just want those needles removed because I feel there is so much 'something" in my body that need to be release.

When the session was finished and the needles were removed, I ran right away to the toilet to pee. I just peed before the acupuncture and after an hour, my bladder was so full. They said it is one way that shows my body is responding good to the treatment.

When I got home, my hubby and I were too sleepy. We were sleepy for the next 1 week after our treatment.   But then my body just felt like I hit the gym for the first time -- my muscles were aching but there was this relief feeling still.

We have not gone back to the clinic for another session because I need to have an ultrasound first to see if there is any improvement in my reproductive organs. Also, we need to check whether my next menstruation will be much better now.

By the way, even not recommended by our acupuncturist, we tried to ask him for chinese herbs. So he took my pulse in both hands for 15 minutes, inspected my tongue and wrote his presciption (in Chinese!). He could not explain better how we are going to take it. My hubby was laughing already because we were like playing charades -- the acupuncturist doing some actions and sounds while hubby and I were trying to guess what he was telling LOL! Anyways, since we did not understand what are these herbs for and the herbs are too much pricey (500 dirhams for just one week), we decided to disregard the chinese herbs.

From Western to Eastern -- Our First Acupuncture Session

As mentioned earlier in my post, the cost of Western medical treatment for infertility is much expensive here in Dubai and our insurance does not cover infertility treatments. So hubby and I decided to go natural for the meantime after this 3rd cycle of Clomid.

We also discussed to try having holistic healing like traditional chinese medicine and acupuncture. So off we go in digging deep into the streets of Dubai to find an affordable acupuncture clinic.

I thought it would be difficult to find an acupuncture clinic here but it was surprising that a lot of chinese medical centers have been established here already. But what is more surprising are the rates of the acupuncture sessions. I thought that since this is a Muslim country, they will not be into Eastern healing. But take note that most of the acupuncture clinics are situated in high-end areas and cater to expatriates usually from Europe. Most of them also include aesthetic treatment in their services which make them more of a luxury here, hence more expensive.

The rates of one acupuncture session usually range from 200aed to 500aed, excluding consultation. For first timers, consultation would cost between 100aed to 200aed. I felt already robbed while jotting down the prices after I called each one of them. Thinking that this would not be a one-time visit only and that I need to have 3-5 sessions of acupuncture sessions, and 2 persons (hubby and I) need to undergo the healing, I tried very hard to find an affordable rate and I even prayed to God and Padre Pio to help us because with those rates that I've seen, we would not be able to afford it (it would be like 500-1000aed every session because there are 2 of us, multiply by 3 sessions so between 1500-3000aed).

And there it goes! When we were about to decide last Tuesday to book an appointment at YinYang house which offered acupuncture at 250aed per session plus 100aed consultation for first timer (total 350aed times 2 people = 700aed), I tried once again googling for acupuncture clinics and I found this offer in www.cobone.com on acupuncture session right on top of the search page.

The cobone deal was for discounted acupuncture session in China Middle East Medical Centre. It cost 89aed per session, 3 sessions for 249aed. I thought it was a hoax because comparing it with the other clinics, it was really cheap. So what I did was to research on the clinic but there was nothing much written on the internet about them. I called the clinic and asked for their normal rate. Their normal rate without the cobone voucher is 90aed per session, including consultation. As it is licensed by Ministry of Health here in Dubai and was featured in Cobone, I believe that it was not a quack clinic. So we booked our first session yesterday, April 27.

The clinic is in Baniyas Road, Deira, Dubai and just beside Carlton Tower Hotel, hence it was not difficult to find. I was kinda nervous because I have not tried acupuncture before and the thought of inserting needles in your skin makes me shiver. Plus, I know my skin is sensitive to pain so I know that I will definitely feel each stroke of the needle in my body.

Upon arrival, we were assisted in one corner for consultation with the acupuncturist. There were 2 of them with us. They asked us what are our problems and if we have any medical reports with us. The acupuncturist closely studied all our medical reports. That was good, I thought. But the problem was the communication barrier. The acupuncturist himself cannot speak English, He only knows a few English words. The other Chinese guy with him serves as his interpreter. They called a lady Chinese staff to take a 2nd opinion on my ultrasound result of my uterus/ovaries. They even went to another doctor in another room to let her take a look on my report.

They said that my left ovary produces more follicles than my right side but none of them are maturing, hence problem with my hormones. They cannot pinpoint right away the root cause of this as my liver is functioning well (according to them). In a way, they said that the root cause of immature follicles are "unknown". The acupuncturist inspected my tongue and my pulse rate at both hands and decided to put me into 3 sessions of electro-acupuncture (which costs an additional 50aed, so total 140aed). Each session will be conducted 2-3 days after the first one and should be done within a week. After these 3 sessions, they advised me to have an ultrasound to check if there are any improvements with my ovaries. If none, we will discontinue the acupuncture and they will refer us to another specialist in Eastern healing.

Hubby on the other hand, had his first session of electro-acupuncture focused on his back because he has been in pain for 2 months already because of muscle spasms. He would just proceed with fertility acupoints on the next visit.

I had more needles inserted in my body than my husband. I had 2 on my right side of head to eliminate headache. Then I had around 4 needles in my left arm. I did not keep track of how many needles were inserted in my abdomen and left leg. He put more needles in these 2 areas and since there was a communication barrier I was not able to ask him what are these acupoints for.

While inserting the needles he asked me from time to time to show my tongue, assessing which acupoints he would insert needles. In each needle stroke, my body was jolting as a response that it was already inserted deep enough. As each needle goes inside me, I felt heavy on that part, somewhat like a contraction or a pull feeling. Then when the electric wires were clipped on the needles, I felt tugging sensations throughout the area where the needles are inserted. I can feel something is flowing and palpitating inside me. I cannot move my left arm and left leg hence I just lied down and relaxed. I was dozing off and was ready to fall asleep but hubby kept on talking to me (we had the acupuncture at the same time, our beds beside each other). The electro-acupunture lasted for 30 minutes (maximum time that electricity should run through our body).

Only when I got home that I got to know that those acupoints in my abdomen and leg are for abdominal pain. menstruation and cysts. While on my arms are for sleep and headaches (thanks to Google again for providing me the answers!)

By the way, the effects of acupuncture in me is I have some brusing in some parts and swelling but it subsided after a few hours. However, the needle insertion marks are still visible and looks like very tiny wounds. I think it's because I have sensitive skin. Hubby did not have any bruising or swelling.

We were asked to go back on Wednesday, May 1, for our 2nd session.I hope this time we can understand each other. I should ask his interpreter to join us inside the acupuncture room so that I can ask questions. I would also ask for some chinese herbs to back up the treatment.

To wrap up our Eastern escapade for the day, we went to Chinese hotpot restaurant just below the building. We ordered hotpot with lots of Chinese herbs and spices to boost the effects of acupuncture session. :)

Till the next acupuncture session! 

End of 2nd Cycle: Monthly Cycle, Monthly Tears

The two week wait officially ended last April 7 and again, with the flow of my period goes the flow of my tears... I can't help but to slide down again after regaining myself from the failed IUI.

But as I've said earlier, I am not losing hope. We will keep on praying to God to give us a chance to experience motherhood/parenthood. I pray to Him that He continue to enlighten us and guide us towards the right direction. I also asked for healing -- that He touches our bodies and heal us from all the illnesses that hinder us to have a baby. I ask God also to lift up all my worries, fears, stress and wipe away my tears.And lastly, we are entrusting everything to the Lord now. We cannot force Him to give us what we want on our own timeline, but it will only happen in His own time.

I tried to visit again another OB doctor here in Dubai during the first day of my period this month but unfortunately I was not able to follow her orders and came back to her due to the following reasons:

1) I don't feel comfortable talking to her and the warmth I am looking for was not there when we were discussing our issues. She is an Iraqi doctor, hence probably the culture and religious beliefs become an instant obstacle in having an open and friendly communication.

2) Her consultation fee is way too expensive compared to other doctors. Consultation for 15 minutes costs 200 dirhams (approximately around 2,200 pesos). This does not include any physical examinations. Everything that she will do to you will incur another price to pay.

3) She instructed me to do another round of bloodwork again (which I have done only last February 2013). Specifically, she said I had to take it on day 3 or 4 of my period only, with 12 hours of fasting. This prevented me from doing so as I was doing night shift at work on days 3 and 4 and fasting would be impossible. Plus, no sleep rest will definitely alter the blood result.

4) She ordered me to undergo HSG to one of their affiliated clinics. I was more than willing to do that this month, just right after my period. But when I approached the receptionist and was told of the price for HSG, I had to postpone it to another month and decided to ask around for a cheaper rate. The HSG in the clinic costs 1,750 dirhams (more or less around 20,000 pesos!).

The only thing that we followed from her was the prescription for my DH to take the medicines she prescribed to improve motility and morphology of his spermies.

I asked if I can continue with Clomid this cycle and she said it was fine but if I will be undergoing HSG, it is not recommended to take clomid.

Since we decided to postpone HSG till next month, we opted to take clomid again this 3rd cycle. DH is also taking Enduranz (which was recommended by my friends who got pregnant recently).

Before making any decisions and actions, I always pray to God and Padre Pio to guide us what would be the right thing to do. I continually ask for their guidance to lead me towards the people/things that can help us out.

Probably, the meeting with this Iraqi doctor is one of the signs He was giving me to try conceiving naturally and be more patient in waiting. After our visit to this doctor, DH suggested we should try less expensive ways to boost our fertility first before undergoing again medical treatments. But HSG is still definitely part of our priority list. We just need to pull up resources and look for the right doctor and clinic to perform it.

We are trying to find now a good acupuncture and TCM clinic here in Dubai to help us out in boosting our fertility.

On to the 3rd cycle, now on CD5,  with Clomid and lots and lots of faith and hope!

2nd Monitored Cycle -- Fertab + Natural Method

Life must go on after failed IUI#1. But we would not resort to IUI#2 for now because of the following reasons:

1) Dr. T is thousands of miles away from us, we are back in Dubai and she is in Bulacan. Hence, no follow-up workup can be done to check what went wrong and why we failed.

2) I have done my research on IUI here in Dubai and it costs double the amount of IUI in the Philippines. I think we need to save money first before deciding to have IUI#2 done here in Dubai. Also, apart from the IUI expenses, there will be other medical test and fertility medicine expenses which also cost a fortune.

3) We don't have the luxury of time to prepare ourselves for an IUI as we just got back to work from our treatment in Philippines.

4) We like to try it the natural way. Who knows, we can be lucky now.

But this time, we will combine natural method with clomiphene citrate (well known as Clomid) to induce ovulation so we can time our baby dance for a higher success rate. I have taken Serophene on my first IUI so I have already the prescription and I know what day to take them.

However, we were having a hard time looking for Clomid or Serophene in pharmacies here in Dubai. Instead, they gave us another brand, Fertab. It is much cheaper but who knows what would be its side effect. We did not have any option but to buy it. It is also clomiphene so it does the same thing in our body.

I started on CD 2, March 11, and will take it for 5 days straight, twice a day. I just do hope that follicles will mature and release good eggies later.

We were looking also for Basal Body Thermometer to aid me in keeping track of my temperature to know when I ovulate but I haven't found one yet. I will probably try the high-end pharmacies at the mall where UK brands are being sold and hopefully I can find BBT and ovulation kits as well.

For now, I will try to do research on Fertab's success rates and stories. I can't help it, I'm just an addict researcher! :)