The Pain of Being Labeled as "Baog"

I was once again pulled to writing in my blog because I have so much sentiments and pain inside me that needs to be blurt out... But as being an OFW, my support system is limited so here I am pouring my heart out in my own little virtual world...

I was in pain emotionally yesterday as I was labeled once again as "baog" (hopeless case of being infertile) by the people who I thought would be supporting me in this journey.

Before undergoing fertility treatment, my mother-in-law always tell me that I was the one having fertility problems that is why I am not able to bear a child. I myself was swayed to believe it and blamed my body for not doing what it's supposed to do. I know that there is something wrong with me -- irregular AF, weight issues, and stress problems.

So this was the reason why I decided to seek medical help because I was always blamed for the infertility.During the fertility treatment, my doctor confirmed that indeed I have some issues that need to be addressed first before being pregnant -- but she assured me that I am not really barren, that I can get pregnant even naturally. But one of the main reasons preventing me from getting pregnant naturally is my husband's share of fertility issues. As I have mentioned in my previous posts, both hubby and I have fertility issues. Having abnormal morphology, it makes it difficult for my hubby's sperm to penetrate my egg cell, hence lessening my chance of conceiving naturally.

I tried to explain this to my in-law and my hubby's siblings, but they still believed that I am the only one who has problem even 2 semen analysis already showed that my husband has low morphology. We were told that we are just wasting our money going to doctors and we were just being fooled by the results.

Yesterday, we received a message from my in-law saying that our househelper was also spreading news that I am not capable of getting pregnant at all and that the baby will just die in my womb because of the medications I am taking.  And this just supported my in-law's beliefs that I am the barren one. Then once again, she told us not to believe in doctors and that her son will never be barren.

This is what is wrong in our patriarchal society. If a couple cannot bear a child, the woman should be blamed because she is not doing her part. If the male is found out to have fertility issue, it is a taboo to talk about it, that it should not be brought to discussion as this will lessen his masculinity. That it is never a man's fault why a baby cannot grow in the woman's body. It is in the woman's body that a child is born hence it should be the woman to be blamed for not conceiving.

I do not have any ill feelings to my husband and I even admired him for being brave to admit that he too has a problem. He is even making efforts to 'fix' his fertility issues and even encouraging me that we seek medical assistance.

It is only the people surrounding us that has this discriminating eyes, judging without understanding what we are going through. They do not have the right to label us of any sorts of names.

You cannot blame me for nursing this hatred in my heart...I am just a human and those sharp words cut deep into my soul.

This journey itself is already hard for all of us who are trying to have a child. All we need is the support from our loved ones in whatever decisions we make. We should not be boxed into negative labels.

I refuse to believe that I am "baog". No one has the right to call me that...

I leave everything to God. I pray that this pain and hatred be lifted up and that He continue to make my relationship with my husband stronger because in the end, it is up to both of us which path we will take in this TTC journey.

I just hold on tight to my faith in Him that one day He will bless us with the child we have been waiting for. I will not let myself be discouraged.