The Pain of Being Labeled as "Baog"

I was once again pulled to writing in my blog because I have so much sentiments and pain inside me that needs to be blurt out... But as being an OFW, my support system is limited so here I am pouring my heart out in my own little virtual world...

I was in pain emotionally yesterday as I was labeled once again as "baog" (hopeless case of being infertile) by the people who I thought would be supporting me in this journey.

Before undergoing fertility treatment, my mother-in-law always tell me that I was the one having fertility problems that is why I am not able to bear a child. I myself was swayed to believe it and blamed my body for not doing what it's supposed to do. I know that there is something wrong with me -- irregular AF, weight issues, and stress problems.

So this was the reason why I decided to seek medical help because I was always blamed for the infertility.During the fertility treatment, my doctor confirmed that indeed I have some issues that need to be addressed first before being pregnant -- but she assured me that I am not really barren, that I can get pregnant even naturally. But one of the main reasons preventing me from getting pregnant naturally is my husband's share of fertility issues. As I have mentioned in my previous posts, both hubby and I have fertility issues. Having abnormal morphology, it makes it difficult for my hubby's sperm to penetrate my egg cell, hence lessening my chance of conceiving naturally.

I tried to explain this to my in-law and my hubby's siblings, but they still believed that I am the only one who has problem even 2 semen analysis already showed that my husband has low morphology. We were told that we are just wasting our money going to doctors and we were just being fooled by the results.

Yesterday, we received a message from my in-law saying that our househelper was also spreading news that I am not capable of getting pregnant at all and that the baby will just die in my womb because of the medications I am taking.  And this just supported my in-law's beliefs that I am the barren one. Then once again, she told us not to believe in doctors and that her son will never be barren.

This is what is wrong in our patriarchal society. If a couple cannot bear a child, the woman should be blamed because she is not doing her part. If the male is found out to have fertility issue, it is a taboo to talk about it, that it should not be brought to discussion as this will lessen his masculinity. That it is never a man's fault why a baby cannot grow in the woman's body. It is in the woman's body that a child is born hence it should be the woman to be blamed for not conceiving.

I do not have any ill feelings to my husband and I even admired him for being brave to admit that he too has a problem. He is even making efforts to 'fix' his fertility issues and even encouraging me that we seek medical assistance.

It is only the people surrounding us that has this discriminating eyes, judging without understanding what we are going through. They do not have the right to label us of any sorts of names.

You cannot blame me for nursing this hatred in my heart...I am just a human and those sharp words cut deep into my soul.

This journey itself is already hard for all of us who are trying to have a child. All we need is the support from our loved ones in whatever decisions we make. We should not be boxed into negative labels.

I refuse to believe that I am "baog". No one has the right to call me that...

I leave everything to God. I pray that this pain and hatred be lifted up and that He continue to make my relationship with my husband stronger because in the end, it is up to both of us which path we will take in this TTC journey.

I just hold on tight to my faith in Him that one day He will bless us with the child we have been waiting for. I will not let myself be discouraged.

Three Months Off the Meds

Since last month, hubby and I decided to stop for a while on our medications. We'll be off our meds for 3 months, just enough for our bodies to cope with the side effects and reach its stability. Also, it is not good to be in constant medication as our bodies have its limits. We don't want to immune ourselves to these fertility meds so we are giving time away from them.

Who knows, once we're off these meds our bodies can work on their own and do their part to make us pregnant. :D

We'll just leave everything to God in His perfect timing.

Blood, Colds, and Mother's Day

As almost all people were celebrating Mother's Day, I was like a grinch hating this day.....

Don't get me wrong... I always love celebrating Mother's Day and was enthusiastic sending greetings to all my relatives, friends and colleagues. But that was before I embarked on this journey of the TTC world.

I had a terrible cold a day before Mother's Day and it got aggravated because I was having night shift. And what terrible could have happen but to have my AF on the dawn of the day which I was hoping to celebrate for myself this year -- I wanted to become a mother on Mother's Day but AF is a witch snatching that hope and leaving my heart battered and bruised once again...

I was already 6 days delayed on the eve of Mother's Day. And there was this litte voice in me shouting that I might be celebrating Mother's Day indeed the next day! I planned to do HPT when I got home and I was already picturing the 2 lines and the oh-so-emotional celebration of Mother's Day with hubby... By the way, this cycle was longer than the previous one which I do not know whether the acupuncture sessions or Clomid was the reason.

And really, it was emotional! AF just arrived in time! AF is really a party pooper! Again, another cycle to wait and of course another heartbreak to face.

And it was like a punishment when I opened facebook. Everyone I knew were happily celebrating Mother's Day. The women of my age and younger than me were posting pictures of their children and babies celebrating the day. Quotes on motherhood and the joys of having a child are everywhere.... The pain was sinking in again. It was like I was stabbed already but they still twinged the knife so many times so I could really feel the pain.

Hubby told me to stop checking FB and just rest because my body was already weak because of the AF and flu-like symptoms. He also assured me that we will have our babies soon so I don't need to worry.

I am happy for those who experienced already motherhood. Even if I don't want to see their photos in facebook, I don't despise them. I just can't bear to see the happiness they are having which I don't have. It makes me feel sadder...more incomplete.

Mother's Day was indeed an emotional day for me. How I wish the next time it will come, I would be able to celebrate it this time. Still keeping the faith and hope.

More and More Needles

I had my 2nd and "3rd"sessions of acupuncture last May 1 (3 days after my first session) but I was too tired to write about it. I don't know if it was the effect of acupuncture but after that day, I wanted to sleep rather than do anything for the next days. Then aside from that, I was having bad colds, which might also be an effect of acupuncture (I once read in the internet that after acupuncture, some people tend to have colds as a reaction to the re-invigoration of the immunity system. As i quote "Once acupuncture treatment enhanced the immunity, as if the army is armed ready to fight the invader again, cold and flu symptoms reappear.")

In just one day, the chinese acupuncturist gave me "two" sessions. I cannot understand him clearly because of the language barrier but he was telling me something about "hot" and "cold" treatment. Of course, the payment was twice because they charged me for 2 sessions already. I noticed that there were more needles inserted compared to my 1st session. And the treatment lasted for 1 hour -- 30 minutes lying only with needles and another 30 minuted where electricity was applied thru the needles.

The needles were inserted from head to toe. He inserted needles also on my face, stomach and neck which he did not do in my first session. The 2nd session was definitely more painful than the first. My body was twinging with every stroke of the needles. The most painful area when he inserted the needle was in my inner side of my right foot. I felt very heavy on that part as well as in my right abdomen. I cannot breathe deeply because there was a shooting pain in my right side of abdomen whenever I was taking a deep breath to relax. My mind was wandering and my imagination playing thinking that I might be full of blood already in my legs and abdomen because I felt that my veins were bursting!

I told my acupuncturist I was having pain in my abdomen and he signal a thumbs up and saying it is ok, that the acupuncture was working. That was the time that my body relaxed a bit knowing that there was nothing wrong.

When the electricity was applied, my right leg became numb. I can't even feel the electricity running. I just knew that there was electricity because my right toe was moving every second the electricity flows to my leg.

I felt relaxed when electro-acupuncture was done minus the time that there were still shooting pains in my right abdomen. I thought that time was not moving. I wanted it to finish already because my body became heavy and I just want those needles removed because I feel there is so much 'something" in my body that need to be release.

When the session was finished and the needles were removed, I ran right away to the toilet to pee. I just peed before the acupuncture and after an hour, my bladder was so full. They said it is one way that shows my body is responding good to the treatment.

When I got home, my hubby and I were too sleepy. We were sleepy for the next 1 week after our treatment.   But then my body just felt like I hit the gym for the first time -- my muscles were aching but there was this relief feeling still.

We have not gone back to the clinic for another session because I need to have an ultrasound first to see if there is any improvement in my reproductive organs. Also, we need to check whether my next menstruation will be much better now.

By the way, even not recommended by our acupuncturist, we tried to ask him for chinese herbs. So he took my pulse in both hands for 15 minutes, inspected my tongue and wrote his presciption (in Chinese!). He could not explain better how we are going to take it. My hubby was laughing already because we were like playing charades -- the acupuncturist doing some actions and sounds while hubby and I were trying to guess what he was telling LOL! Anyways, since we did not understand what are these herbs for and the herbs are too much pricey (500 dirhams for just one week), we decided to disregard the chinese herbs.

From Western to Eastern -- Our First Acupuncture Session

As mentioned earlier in my post, the cost of Western medical treatment for infertility is much expensive here in Dubai and our insurance does not cover infertility treatments. So hubby and I decided to go natural for the meantime after this 3rd cycle of Clomid.

We also discussed to try having holistic healing like traditional chinese medicine and acupuncture. So off we go in digging deep into the streets of Dubai to find an affordable acupuncture clinic.

I thought it would be difficult to find an acupuncture clinic here but it was surprising that a lot of chinese medical centers have been established here already. But what is more surprising are the rates of the acupuncture sessions. I thought that since this is a Muslim country, they will not be into Eastern healing. But take note that most of the acupuncture clinics are situated in high-end areas and cater to expatriates usually from Europe. Most of them also include aesthetic treatment in their services which make them more of a luxury here, hence more expensive.

The rates of one acupuncture session usually range from 200aed to 500aed, excluding consultation. For first timers, consultation would cost between 100aed to 200aed. I felt already robbed while jotting down the prices after I called each one of them. Thinking that this would not be a one-time visit only and that I need to have 3-5 sessions of acupuncture sessions, and 2 persons (hubby and I) need to undergo the healing, I tried very hard to find an affordable rate and I even prayed to God and Padre Pio to help us because with those rates that I've seen, we would not be able to afford it (it would be like 500-1000aed every session because there are 2 of us, multiply by 3 sessions so between 1500-3000aed).

And there it goes! When we were about to decide last Tuesday to book an appointment at YinYang house which offered acupuncture at 250aed per session plus 100aed consultation for first timer (total 350aed times 2 people = 700aed), I tried once again googling for acupuncture clinics and I found this offer in www.cobone.com on acupuncture session right on top of the search page.

The cobone deal was for discounted acupuncture session in China Middle East Medical Centre. It cost 89aed per session, 3 sessions for 249aed. I thought it was a hoax because comparing it with the other clinics, it was really cheap. So what I did was to research on the clinic but there was nothing much written on the internet about them. I called the clinic and asked for their normal rate. Their normal rate without the cobone voucher is 90aed per session, including consultation. As it is licensed by Ministry of Health here in Dubai and was featured in Cobone, I believe that it was not a quack clinic. So we booked our first session yesterday, April 27.

The clinic is in Baniyas Road, Deira, Dubai and just beside Carlton Tower Hotel, hence it was not difficult to find. I was kinda nervous because I have not tried acupuncture before and the thought of inserting needles in your skin makes me shiver. Plus, I know my skin is sensitive to pain so I know that I will definitely feel each stroke of the needle in my body.

Upon arrival, we were assisted in one corner for consultation with the acupuncturist. There were 2 of them with us. They asked us what are our problems and if we have any medical reports with us. The acupuncturist closely studied all our medical reports. That was good, I thought. But the problem was the communication barrier. The acupuncturist himself cannot speak English, He only knows a few English words. The other Chinese guy with him serves as his interpreter. They called a lady Chinese staff to take a 2nd opinion on my ultrasound result of my uterus/ovaries. They even went to another doctor in another room to let her take a look on my report.

They said that my left ovary produces more follicles than my right side but none of them are maturing, hence problem with my hormones. They cannot pinpoint right away the root cause of this as my liver is functioning well (according to them). In a way, they said that the root cause of immature follicles are "unknown". The acupuncturist inspected my tongue and my pulse rate at both hands and decided to put me into 3 sessions of electro-acupuncture (which costs an additional 50aed, so total 140aed). Each session will be conducted 2-3 days after the first one and should be done within a week. After these 3 sessions, they advised me to have an ultrasound to check if there are any improvements with my ovaries. If none, we will discontinue the acupuncture and they will refer us to another specialist in Eastern healing.

Hubby on the other hand, had his first session of electro-acupuncture focused on his back because he has been in pain for 2 months already because of muscle spasms. He would just proceed with fertility acupoints on the next visit.

I had more needles inserted in my body than my husband. I had 2 on my right side of head to eliminate headache. Then I had around 4 needles in my left arm. I did not keep track of how many needles were inserted in my abdomen and left leg. He put more needles in these 2 areas and since there was a communication barrier I was not able to ask him what are these acupoints for.

While inserting the needles he asked me from time to time to show my tongue, assessing which acupoints he would insert needles. In each needle stroke, my body was jolting as a response that it was already inserted deep enough. As each needle goes inside me, I felt heavy on that part, somewhat like a contraction or a pull feeling. Then when the electric wires were clipped on the needles, I felt tugging sensations throughout the area where the needles are inserted. I can feel something is flowing and palpitating inside me. I cannot move my left arm and left leg hence I just lied down and relaxed. I was dozing off and was ready to fall asleep but hubby kept on talking to me (we had the acupuncture at the same time, our beds beside each other). The electro-acupunture lasted for 30 minutes (maximum time that electricity should run through our body).

Only when I got home that I got to know that those acupoints in my abdomen and leg are for abdominal pain. menstruation and cysts. While on my arms are for sleep and headaches (thanks to Google again for providing me the answers!)

By the way, the effects of acupuncture in me is I have some brusing in some parts and swelling but it subsided after a few hours. However, the needle insertion marks are still visible and looks like very tiny wounds. I think it's because I have sensitive skin. Hubby did not have any bruising or swelling.

We were asked to go back on Wednesday, May 1, for our 2nd session.I hope this time we can understand each other. I should ask his interpreter to join us inside the acupuncture room so that I can ask questions. I would also ask for some chinese herbs to back up the treatment.

To wrap up our Eastern escapade for the day, we went to Chinese hotpot restaurant just below the building. We ordered hotpot with lots of Chinese herbs and spices to boost the effects of acupuncture session. :)

Till the next acupuncture session! 

End of 2nd Cycle: Monthly Cycle, Monthly Tears

The two week wait officially ended last April 7 and again, with the flow of my period goes the flow of my tears... I can't help but to slide down again after regaining myself from the failed IUI.

But as I've said earlier, I am not losing hope. We will keep on praying to God to give us a chance to experience motherhood/parenthood. I pray to Him that He continue to enlighten us and guide us towards the right direction. I also asked for healing -- that He touches our bodies and heal us from all the illnesses that hinder us to have a baby. I ask God also to lift up all my worries, fears, stress and wipe away my tears.And lastly, we are entrusting everything to the Lord now. We cannot force Him to give us what we want on our own timeline, but it will only happen in His own time.

I tried to visit again another OB doctor here in Dubai during the first day of my period this month but unfortunately I was not able to follow her orders and came back to her due to the following reasons:

1) I don't feel comfortable talking to her and the warmth I am looking for was not there when we were discussing our issues. She is an Iraqi doctor, hence probably the culture and religious beliefs become an instant obstacle in having an open and friendly communication.

2) Her consultation fee is way too expensive compared to other doctors. Consultation for 15 minutes costs 200 dirhams (approximately around 2,200 pesos). This does not include any physical examinations. Everything that she will do to you will incur another price to pay.

3) She instructed me to do another round of bloodwork again (which I have done only last February 2013). Specifically, she said I had to take it on day 3 or 4 of my period only, with 12 hours of fasting. This prevented me from doing so as I was doing night shift at work on days 3 and 4 and fasting would be impossible. Plus, no sleep rest will definitely alter the blood result.

4) She ordered me to undergo HSG to one of their affiliated clinics. I was more than willing to do that this month, just right after my period. But when I approached the receptionist and was told of the price for HSG, I had to postpone it to another month and decided to ask around for a cheaper rate. The HSG in the clinic costs 1,750 dirhams (more or less around 20,000 pesos!).

The only thing that we followed from her was the prescription for my DH to take the medicines she prescribed to improve motility and morphology of his spermies.

I asked if I can continue with Clomid this cycle and she said it was fine but if I will be undergoing HSG, it is not recommended to take clomid.

Since we decided to postpone HSG till next month, we opted to take clomid again this 3rd cycle. DH is also taking Enduranz (which was recommended by my friends who got pregnant recently).

Before making any decisions and actions, I always pray to God and Padre Pio to guide us what would be the right thing to do. I continually ask for their guidance to lead me towards the people/things that can help us out.

Probably, the meeting with this Iraqi doctor is one of the signs He was giving me to try conceiving naturally and be more patient in waiting. After our visit to this doctor, DH suggested we should try less expensive ways to boost our fertility first before undergoing again medical treatments. But HSG is still definitely part of our priority list. We just need to pull up resources and look for the right doctor and clinic to perform it.

We are trying to find now a good acupuncture and TCM clinic here in Dubai to help us out in boosting our fertility.

On to the 3rd cycle, now on CD5,  with Clomid and lots and lots of faith and hope!

2nd Monitored Cycle -- Fertab + Natural Method

Life must go on after failed IUI#1. But we would not resort to IUI#2 for now because of the following reasons:

1) Dr. T is thousands of miles away from us, we are back in Dubai and she is in Bulacan. Hence, no follow-up workup can be done to check what went wrong and why we failed.

2) I have done my research on IUI here in Dubai and it costs double the amount of IUI in the Philippines. I think we need to save money first before deciding to have IUI#2 done here in Dubai. Also, apart from the IUI expenses, there will be other medical test and fertility medicine expenses which also cost a fortune.

3) We don't have the luxury of time to prepare ourselves for an IUI as we just got back to work from our treatment in Philippines.

4) We like to try it the natural way. Who knows, we can be lucky now.

But this time, we will combine natural method with clomiphene citrate (well known as Clomid) to induce ovulation so we can time our baby dance for a higher success rate. I have taken Serophene on my first IUI so I have already the prescription and I know what day to take them.

However, we were having a hard time looking for Clomid or Serophene in pharmacies here in Dubai. Instead, they gave us another brand, Fertab. It is much cheaper but who knows what would be its side effect. We did not have any option but to buy it. It is also clomiphene so it does the same thing in our body.

I started on CD 2, March 11, and will take it for 5 days straight, twice a day. I just do hope that follicles will mature and release good eggies later.

We were looking also for Basal Body Thermometer to aid me in keeping track of my temperature to know when I ovulate but I haven't found one yet. I will probably try the high-end pharmacies at the mall where UK brands are being sold and hopefully I can find BBT and ovulation kits as well.

For now, I will try to do research on Fertab's success rates and stories. I can't help it, I'm just an addict researcher! :)

Picking up the Pieces...Pray, Hope, and Don't Worry

I have been crying for 2 days already, just giving myself time to cry it all out and of course, move on again. This is how frustrating and depressing childless couple could become. But I should not give up, I will not give up. No one is to be blamed for this failed cycle again. It is still not the right time, I guess.

But for now, I will just slowly pick up the pieces and ponder what to do next. I am asking for God's enlightenment and guidance to guide us to the right path towards parenthood. I know He is always with us and continue to bless us.

I am thankful for my husband and my family who are very supportive and are with me during this stage. I know my husband is also saddened but he tries to be strong for me. I am trying to be strong but 6 years of waiting made me more vulnerable to heartaches and pain.

I am entrusting everything to God, in His own time, He knows when to bless us with a beautiful and healthy child.  I am not losing faith and hope. As Padre Pio said -- PRAY, HOPE, AND DON'T WORRY!

"Truly I say to you, ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you".

"Truly I say to you, if you ask anything of the father in my name, He will give i to you".

Diary on Post-IUI -- The Dreadful 2WW

Here is a list of what I experienced and have done during the 2 week waiting period:

1dpiui - bed rest only. I started on Utrogestan 200mg twice a day -- one in the morning and one at night. I had to take this for 10 days straight. It is a vaginal suppository that will help I think in thickening the endometrium to support pregnancy. If not pregnant, you will still get AF once it is due. I started to eat pineapple also especially the hard part because as per my research the hard part contains bromelain that aids in implantation. Then there is the grape juice a glass a day also.I was religiously taking evening primrose oil also and I still took it on 1dpiui along with folic acid, metformin, calcium and vitamin E. Light cramping was experienced also on and off.

2dpiui - Light cramping was still there but I got out of bed already and went to Libis to visit Padre Pio of Pietrelcina Center. I believe that Dr.T was made an instrument by God to direct me to this shrine as Padre Pio will help us with our petition. From then on until now, I am still praying to Padre Pio for his intercession. With regards to the meds, I stopped taking primrose oil because I read that it should not be taken after ovulation as it is labor-inducing drug and might affect implantation.

3dpiui till 5dpiui - no bedrest for me. I just went on my normal routine but with some cautions. No lifting or doing strenous work. However, I was not able to avoid long walking as I was out with my family. I was also preparing for our departure going back to Dubai so 4dpiui and 5dpiui I was quite busy packing.

6dpiui - our flight going back to Dubai. I was so scared this will affect implantation because of the air pressure up there. Even if Dr. T assured us that we can resume to normal activities after IUI and I can still fly but given my current bodily condition, I am not sure if it was really safe. Hubby and I had doubts but we can't do anything. We can't extend our stay in Philippines because our work is waiting already. So off we go and took the risk. During the whole flight, I felt cramps and gassy feeling until we arrived at home.

7dpiui - got to do household chores early in the morning and went to our admin office to bargain about my schedule for March. To sum up, no rest at all after the flight.

8dpiui - on and off cramps, some household chores, preparing for work the next day. By the way, in between these days I was also having breast soreness, nausea, back pain, hot flashes at night and quite higher than normal temperature.

9dpiui - severe abdominal cramps with sharp pain all over while at work. Plus sharp pain also on lower back. I was scared also at this time as I do not know what is the reason for the severe cramping. Maybe I was just stressed again of going back to work.

10dpiui - I had to report sick thinking that there is something wrong with me because of the cramps and high temperature the night before. I was searching for a Filipino OB doctor here in Dubai but no one. I prayed to Padre Pio to guide me in looking for a doctor who can see us and alas, I was able to find a clinic with 2 Filipina doctors. Though they are both GPs, they also handle ob-gyne cases as per the receptionist in the clinic. So off we went to Philippine Medical Center for a checkup. I was advised to undergo cultured urinalysis to rule out UTI. The doctor also told me it is still early to establish pregnancy. And if severe abdominal cramps occur again, I have to undergo pelvic scan to see what is happening inside.

11dpiui - cramping went away and was anxious to know the result of the urinalysis. The doctor called me in the afternoon advising me the result of the urinalysis, but only the basic one, not yet the cultured report. She said that the cultured report will be available only 2 days after. But she advised me that there is +1 bacteria in my urine sample and she still cannot establish whether this is significant or not as we have to wait for the culture report. She also emphasized that I have again high glucose in my sample so I need to take my meds again regularly and monitor it otherwise it will be risky for my pregnancy if confirmed.

12dpiui - all pregnancy symptoms disappeared so I obsessed researching the internet about symptoms after IUI and effects of the hormones  I was taking. I was scared that AF will come anytime soon.  I was also afraid that all the symptoms I was experiencing earlier were only because of the progesterone that I was taking...

13dpiui - still no symptoms at all except occasional soreness of boobs and very light cramping. Hubby and I bought 3 HPTs, 2 cheap ones and the other 1 a more sensitive and expensive one. I was told by Dr. T to test on March 7. It was only March 5 but my hands itched and I tested in the night. Sadly it was a BFN. But I did not lose hope. I was thinking it was still too early for hpt to determine hcg level in my urine and there are cases when they tested BFN but later BFP on beta test. So hubby and I kept on encouraging ourselves that it was still early. But deep inside me, there was a pinch already in my heart. I was silently crying and I resorted to praying and talking to God, to the point of asking for a miracle to make the hpt positive next time...I had a vivid bad dream also -- accident that involved my sister. Kaya I was more anxious pa.

14dpiui - still no symptoms and no AF. Now obsessing on stories where it was BFN and then BFP later. Obsessing also on possible pregnancy symptoms. The doctor from PMC again called me and updated me regarding the result of the culture urinalysis and she said I am cleared of any infection. Thank God!

15dpiui - I kept on praying to God and to Padre Pio to give me sign if I am pregnant or not. I needed time to relax and keep my mind away from this pregnancy symptoms so hubby and I went out.

16dpiui - around 4am I can't stop my hands and I tested again. This time it was invalid! I used the expensive hpt but the control window line did not show! Oh I guess that was not the sign I was asking for from God. So again, I obsessed on searching for post IUI stories. I was quite depressed already so I resort to reading testimonies in Padre Pio's site. I even search for bible verses for inspiration and strength. This was the day I prayed so hard and pour my heart out to let me know what I have to expect.

17dpiui - I did not feel good about going to work so I took a pass. I was crying at 430am asking hubby for a permission to just skip work. He said OK and then later on asked me if there is something wrong with me. I just felt something wrong deep inside. And the dreadful wait is over, in the afternoon, I saw already brown spotting on my undies when I was about to take a bath. Tears started flowing on my cheeks and I was crying the whole time I was taking a bath. This is it.... The sign God gave me... This was not the right time. As I am really heartbroken, I asked for another local leave the next day just to give time for me to compose myself, grieve for a while, and absorb all these things.

My AF came in its full force today, March 10, 18dpiui or should I say CD1. Off to a new cycle... But I am quite lost where to start again as I am thousand miles away from our fertility specialist...I am entrusting everything to God now. May He guide us to the right path towards having a baby.

Padre Pio Encounter - Touching Our Hearts

I did not know Padre Pio until I came across his name in the forums for TTC women in the internet. They said they went to Padre Pio shrine and asked for a baby and he performs miracles. I did not pay much attention to this and I just continued researching on the do's and dont's before and after IUI.

Then on the day of my IUI, Dr. T asked me if we are Catholic. I said yes and she recommended for us to go to Padre Pio shrine in Libis just to offer prayers as her other patients also went there to ask for a baby. So I know deep in my heart that God and Padre Pio has put into my doctor's mouth that He is inviting me to visit this sanctuary.

Before going there, I did my research and found out that celebrities Julius Babao and Tintin Bersola also received miracle from Padre Pio when they asked for another baby when Tintin was having difficulty conceiving also. This made my urge to go to this chapel stronger. I read some other testimonies also about Padre Pio and I know that I am very much willing to welcome him into my life.

So we went to Libis on February 22 despite the heavy rain. I should not be travelling that far given that I only had IUI 2 days ago but there was this force that was pulling me to go there. I went to Libis with my hubby, my brother and my sister.

Our initial plan was just to visit the place, offer our prayers and then go home. We left Malolos at 12nn and we expected to arrive in Padre Pio Shrine at around 2pm if we find it right away. We did not know where it is located so we asked our uncle who was driving a taxi to drive with us so we won't be lost. The Holy Mass on a Friday is held at 0530pm which is quite late already. We were thinking we will not attend the mass anymore.

But we do not know for some reason, we were held up from Tandang Sora until Ateneo in Katipunan for a few hours due to heavy traffic. Hence, we arrived at Padre Pio Shrine past 3pm already and I decided to wait for the Holy Mass. I was telling my siblings and my hubby that it was Padre Pio who made it that traffic on our way so that we can attend his holy mass. Upon going home, there was no traffic at all.

Upon entering the chapel, you can experience the solemnity. We went right away to Padre Pio relic and fall in line to pray for his intercession. Good thing we were quite early because at around 430pm they stopped already the line in preparation for the Holy Rosary and Holy Mass.

When it was our turn to say our prayers to Padre Pio, I noticed the sweet scent of the roses. It is very calming standing in front of him. As my hubby and I were praying, I can't help but cry. I was trying to hold back my tears but they all went treaming down my cheeks. I guess Padre Pio knows already how I really want to have a baby.

After saying our petition, we wrote our prayer requests and dropped them in the box behind us.

We were not familiar with the chapel's layout and I was just looking around trying to figure out where are those areas that I saw in the internet like the other small chapel, the aviary, the souvenir shops, and the sacred place. So we just followed the others who entered and exited the other doors. And alas, we were guided towards another solemn nook. Here, we also lighted our candles for our petition.

We went also inside Il Luogo Sacro (The Sacred Place) and it is a really very solemn place, where one can find peace of mind.

We were not able to visit the aviary as it was raining hard that day. By the time we finished roaming around and buying souvenirs, it was already time for the Holy Rosary and very shortly, the Holy Mass. It was a heartwarming mass and it was ended by veneration of oil to all devotees.

If I am still in the Philippines, I will continue visiting Padre Pio. I promise myself to visit him again on my next visit to Manila. Even if he has not granted yet my prayers, I know that he is listening to me and waiting for the right time to give our heart's desire. Padre Pio has become one of my favorites now and I am continuously praying for his intercession.

IUI #1

Sorry for the delayed updates. The succeeding posts will reveal why I hibernated for a while.

February 20, 2013

The start of a new hope... Hopefully the start of building our own family. We went to CRM in Ortigas at 6am to avoid being late on our 9am appointment. Hubby and I went there with my sister and my brother-in-law who drove us to Ortigas.

We arrived at 0830am in CRM and hubby had his specimen collected at 0850am. The sperm washing will take around 2 hours and my scheduled IUI will be at 1230pm so we had to wait for a couple of hours.

The other TTC couple with Dr. T was also there and will have the same procedure almost the same time as ours.

Dr. T arrived at 12 noon and I was asked to empty my bladder and lie down in the IUI room at 1215pm. I was a little bit scared because I do not know whether it will be painful or not, though in the internet they said it is painless. At around 12nn, I took Feldene melt tablet as instructed by Dr.T just to make sure that I don't feel any pain.

The actual procedure lasted only about 5 minutes and I did not feel any pain apart from the insertion of speculum and a sudden surge in my right abdomen -- probably my hubby's sperms trying to get their way to my dominant follicles on my right ovary.

I was told to lie down and wait for 1 hour just to make sure that the sperms settle in my body. While waiting, Dr.T mentioned out of nowhere that I should try visit Padre Pio Shrine in Libis, Quezon City because most of her patients went there also asking for babies.

Also, Dr.T gave me a medical certificate requesting for my work be on a day shift pattern while waiting for the pregnancy to be confirmed just to avoid stress while on the 2 week waiting period.

After the IUI, when we arrived home, I had brown spotting and it must have been on the speculum because after some time it stopped already.

I had to take bedrest for a day or two just not to stress out myself.

Updates Before the "Big" Day

Just an update of what was happening during these past few days:

Feb 6 - first day of menstruation

Feb 7 - baseline transvaginal ultrasound (Result: polyphs are still there; endometrium measuring 0.4cm).

Feb 7 till Feb 11 - was put on Clomiphene Citrate Serophene 50mg (also known as Clomid) for 5 days, twice a day -- one in the morning and one at night.

Feb 16 - 2nd ultrasound for follicle monitoring (Result: 1 dominant follicle in my right ovary measuring 18mm and endometrium is 0.7cm. We had to wait for a couple of days to let the dominant follicle grow more into a much suitable size)

Feb 18 - 3rd ultrasound for follicle monitoring (Result: the dominant follicle on the right ovary measures now at 24mm and endometrium is at 1.0cm thick which is already good for assisted reproduction.)

Feb 19 - at 12:30am I was scheduled to administer the trigger shot for the follicle. Ovidrel 250mg was given to me. This is a pre-filled syringe to be injected subcutaneously under the umbelicus (in the abdomen area).

IUI procedure is scheduled on Feb 20 at the Center for Reproductive Medicine in Ortigas. Sperm washing will be done at 9am while the actual IUI will be done by Dr. T at 12:30pm.

Of course I am not relying in science only. In between these days, my husband and I were very much occupied visiting churches offering masses and prayer requests. Everything will happen in God's time. I know He will give us our heart's desires very soon. :)

"Very Good" Patient

While waiting for the red flag to show in, I had my bloodworks done again last January 31 which was required by my endocrinologist, Dr. G.

I had to get results again for my TSH, FBS and HBA1C.  The results I had last November 2012 were not that good because my blood sugar was high. So I was quite anxious of the results now as it might go higher and my doctors would not advised us to undergo IUI treatment. :(

Thank God the results were much better than the ones I had 2 months ago!

Upon my visit with Dr. G on February 7, she said that I am a 'very good' patient! I lost 9 kilos, my bloodsugar was quite low now and my TSH is perfect for childbearing. :D

She then wrote a recommendation letter to Dr.T stating that I am now ready for the fertility treatment.

Thank God! :)

Ready...Set...GO!!!

At last, we were able to finalize our leave for the fertility treatment and was able to leave Dubai last January 28. We are all set for the procedures!

Upon setting foot in Manila last January 29, our first stop was at my fertility doctor's clinic. We went there still with all our luggages and no rest and sleep! I guess that's how eager we are on starting this treatment hehehe!

This visit was vital as we need to lay out the timetable and plan for the treatment. First and foremost, she asked us how long will we stay here in Philippines. So I told her that we would only be here from January 29 until February 25 - just enough to finish the whole treatment for 1 cycle. However, we had to revise our initial plans due to time constraints again.

Since I was not able to get HSG in Dubai, our initial plan was to have it here in Philippines. But since we will only be here for 1 cycle, Dr. T said we will just go directly to IUI. We'll just hope and pray that my fallopian tubes are not blocked.

Dr. T advised me to call her asap on my first day of menstruation so she can schedule me for a transvaginal ultrasound.

So off we went to wait for the red flag to show! I was supposed to finish the last pack of Yasmin pill on February 1 so I am expecting my first day from Feb 3-5.

While waiting, we just went for a short escapade in Puerto Galera to destress ourselves! :D

The Music Within -- Lullabies on My Infertility Journey (playlist)

Above is a compilation of songs that are currently in my playlist, accompanying me and comforting me towards our journey to parenthood.

1.The Climb 
2. The Scientist
3. Clocks
4. In the Arms of An Angel
5. My Wish
6. Fix You
7. A Thousand Years
8. Blessed
9. Ain't No Mountain High Enough
10. Tunnel
11. So Hard
12. When The Rain Comes
13. Answer
14. Haven't Met You Yet
15. Come Tomorrow
16. Praise You In This Storm
17. Hang on Little Tomato
18. What A Wonderful World
19. Don't Dream It's Over
20. Hey Look At The Sun